Portlands Funny Girl

Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl

I Hate Everything About You Why Do I Love You?

I toss and turn in my bed, trying to fall asleep with my brain keeps replaying history, flash backs, and I see events as I wish I could have changed them.

Tonight its my mother. In this flash back, my godmother is complaining to me one evening shortly after we had moved, that the movers switched our beds into the wrong rooms. Since I am the only one physically capable of moving them, I begin to do so. I reach for my box spring when Joanie starts to throw a temper tantrum and not letting me take it. Her box spring was broken, by movers years prior and had been sleeping on a broken box spring ever since. Now suddenly, I was expected to sleep on it. She wanted her mattress but my box spring.
“Oh just let her have it,” my mom said while rolling her eyes, indulging a spoiled child.
“Fine. But I’m taking it with me when I move out.” After Seattle, moving back home had only ever been a temporary set back.
“Oh no you won’t!” Joanie gleefully taunted. She might have well have been a child who stands behind their mother sticking their tounge out willfully.
“Oh yes, I will.” I promised.
A year later I moved and on the day, both her and my mother sat on my god mothers bed, guarding her prized possession. I kept putting it off because I knew there was going to be a scene and was trying to avoid it. They both just sat there, like two big fat hens with beady greedy eyes as I, my boyfriend and friend moved everything I owned into the truck. Finally it came down to it. I stuck my foot down and said that I wasn’t leaving with out it.
“No” was all Joanie said.
“Well that’s too bad,” I replied and leaned against my tall and very large boyfriend, making my point that she wasn’t physically able to stop the two of us.
My mom got the picture and instantly jumped up. “Alright alright,” she said. “Just take mine.”
“I don’t want yours. Yours is covered with cat pee.” and it was. Nobody, not even my mother slept in that room. You couldn’t walk any where on the floor without stepping on her clothes and filth and the cats had dominated the room in urine. No I did not want that box spring. I wanted my box spring, the one I had since I was sixteen. I sighed and to this day I don’t know how I let her talk me into taking the urine soaked box spring. Its times like these, in the middle of the night where I cry into a small ball and think really bad thoughts. Like… why do I let them push me around? Why can’t I have a mother who understands what unconditional love is? I know she thinks she does but she has no idea. Love that doesn’t come with stipulations or pitting one person against the other which is my mothers signature move. I have a thousand other horrible thoughts nor will it be the last time I think them.

But they will be the last time I let my mother inflict pain. From once stealing five hundred dollars off my credit card by lying and saying it was for a sick dying cat, bullying me into an abortion I didn’t know if I wanted to have, trying to physically  kill me when I was eighteen to much much more. And the worse part is that she always chooses my god mother over me. Evey time. My whole life I’ve sheltered the truth about her because I was more ashamed of myself than her. For thinking I was the one in the wrong.

Its been a month since I’ve cut my mother out of my life  but it doesn’t shield the pain any less. I don’t know how or why that the last stunt she and my god mother pulled was the final straw but it was. I just can’t take any more abuse. I refuse to be the victim of their sick and twisted life. I tell myself that, I have to. And no matter how much time may pass, I can’t have my mother in my life anymore. For my own personal well being.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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This entry was posted on May 8, 2016 by .

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