Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl
Every one should read Marianne Williamson. If there was a God, she would be her. That is a very boastful and powerful statement to make, one I doubt she herself would probably protest. (I don’t know, I haven’t researched anything about her or even met the author so I couldn’t say definitively.) But I am guessing my statement is pretty true.
Because this author is all about the love. Marianne Williamson is all about teaching when you let go of the hate, anger, fear, etc. you forgo the addiction.
Now, that being said, such a claim is easier said than done. I myself have only partly been able to do so. I still have so many dependencies and addictions that it feels like it is very nearly impossible to give up. Like a drunk clutching his bottle of booze, my emotions and food feel as if they sustain me. My relationship with my body is better but my relationship with food and others is not. Plus my relationship with my body might be on better terms but, it is still a struggle. I still want to go on diets and lose weight for both the wrong and right reasons. I want to be healthy and climb mountains and play sports like tennis but I also want to lose weight for the wrong reasons. I still want to flaunt my body around and shamelessly in a fake modest tone tell the people who have hurt me, “oh why thank you for noticing.” I want to parade it over these people like Kurt from Gilmore Girls parading a trophy in the air to the theme of Rocky after winning his fifth dance marathon in a row. That’s the wrong reason. And that’s the wrong reason to want to lose weight, albeit very silly as well. I even want to parade weight loss to people who just bullied me for me for being just me! Not even fat, just for who I was. As if gloating over an extreme about of weight loss will make me some sort of better person because of it. That’s even a sillier thing to say. I already am a better person than those people who hurt me without even losing a pound! And why? Because I am a person who has feelings and cares about other people’s feelings too. I might be a person who makes mistakes and quite frankly puts her foot into her mouth so often their is a lingering odour of athletes foot, but I try to amend them. I might not get there or understand other points of view all the time but I am constantly working on trying to get there.
Anyway, I have long derailed from my original point of thought. My point is, reminding ourselves that love is everything. Love fixes everything. God is cruel but he is also love. It is so easy to hide behind my fears and live in my insecurities. It is so easy to be the martyr and constantly just tell yourself “some day soon.” Its so easy to say all of that. And why? Because facing your demons is never easy. And our demons hide in many ways, not just with food. Some people are afraid of commitment for instance. I am not going to delve on that issue tho, it is not my demon to bare. I’ve never had a problem finding love. And by love I mean I’ve never had a hard time being intimate with my soul. I may be extremely picky about who I share my dreams and hopes and get into deep intimate conversations with (romantic or not) but finding people to share that with has never been hard. Maybe I am just lucky that way. I’ve only just been unlucky in that way by self sabotaging myself. That seems crazy right? Well it’s not. One of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson to that affect is “your body is saying ahh too much good! Too much goodness!” It sounds crazy but it’s true. Fear is meant to sabotage. Which brings me back to full circle by binge eating the food.
Its only been in the last several months or so that I have felt at the exact same time both extreme happiness and extreme anger. Maybe my anger is trying to get the upper hand and win… I don’t know. Some days it sure feels like it.
And the thing is, I don’t want to be an angry person. Sure, being one of those people sounds fun at times. To pull another Gilmore Girls reference, the idea of acting like Luke has its appeals. I like the idea of throwing a frying pan at Taylor. I like the idea of giving extremely rude and obnoxious comments like Michael. But deep down, that’s not who I am. That is not who I want to be. I don’t want to be the person getting into arguments or thinking about getting into arguments because I am sitting there stewing on something or some one that slighted me. I don’t want to let other people’s rudeness or mean behavior affect me at all. I want to be the better man. The one who rises above all of it, all the pettiness and drama. Because life is bigger than some guy who cut you off in the bike line. You have to be better than that. You have to be the bigger person than them. Life is too short for all of that nonsense.
The problem is, I don’t know how to channel all of that. I don’t know where or how to channel or redirect the stream of anger. And a small part of me doesn’t want to. A part of me wants to get loud, stand up on tables and get people to listen! I want to shout and bang on pots and be the woman “I am woman, hear me roar!” But I never feel good about myself after I am done yelling. Because yes, I do stop yelling eventually, the steam on the train sooner or later does run out. And usually very nearly every one is backed away hidden in the corner and too afraid to make any sudden movements. To which I feel ashamed and hide myself to go lick my pride till I am ready to feel normal again. And I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to go there.
I just want to do good. I don’t remember where the quote is from but, “when you do good, you feel good.” And that’s exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to make my own life better but I want to make so many other people’s lives better too. But like every airline hostess will demonstrate, “please place your air bag over yourself before assisting other passengers.” A sentiment I share but don’t know how to accomplish.
And an attempt I am yet to make once again by rereading this book.