Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl
People always seem to always expect me to do one of two things: to have all the answers or none at all. I get treated like a genius or the village idiot. There is never in between. People who see me as smart, see me nothing other than smart. Which is a nice feeling but honestly I feel like I am being put on a higher pedal stool than I deserve.
Sometimes I think that the other camp, the people who believe I am a fool, that I am an idiot, that I am doomed to do nothing more than being a monkey pushing a button, have it right. I mean not completely, and I don’t mean that in a completely self deprecating way, I know I have my talents, etc. and know more things than being left alone in a room with a fork and an outlet. But I believe that these people, the ones that have stamp tramped words Loser, Dumb, Fatass, Slow, Lazy, Drama Queen, Bitch, across my forehead, have me labeled me right… at least some of the time. Because most of the time I honestly feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Yep, that’s right! I have no idea what I am doing and I am usually making it up as I go along. It would be more accurate to say most of the time I am just pulling what I know out of my ass. But that’s just me.
The thing is, deep down, I don’t really care what people think. Even though I try my best not to offend anyone, at the end of the day I don’t really care if I do. Most of the time. Its the people that make me feel good about myself, the ones who make me feel like I am the bees knees, are the ones I really worry about losing.
Its not that I don’t know what I am doing completely, it’s just sometimes I feel people shouldn’t rely completely on me because I feel for the most part, when people rely on me or have high expectations, is the blind leading the blind. Blind people can move around just fine, if they know the area but even still, they are going to bump into an awful lot of things in life when in unfamiliar territory. Maybe even sometimes the area they even know. I have eyes and can see but sometimes I just feel so blind in so many other ways.
And what makes me the most afraid is the inevitable fall of disappointing the people who see me as a genius. Okay, maybe genius is a bit much, how about just really smart. For instance, I almost never argue politics, and yet people are always awed when I have an informed opinion. Suddenly, I feel as if I have earned an awed reverence for something that I don’t completely deserve.
I have this irrational fear that I will always end up disappointing someone I care about, sometimes over and over again till I have finally pushed them away. I know it doesn’t make any sense and I try not to think about it too much. But the fear is there. After all, I’ve let myself do it to a lot of people in my life. I have made quite a bit of people in my life go, “Oh her? Ugh ick.” Some I have done proudly but most… not so much.
But at the end of the day, I know I just have to keep reminding myself that I am beautiful in my own flawed away. That it isn’t my responsibility to make others see or realize that. Sure I a can be emotional, crazy, insensitive, irrational and sometimes, down right dumb. But I know that it doesn’t make me a bad person. And the only thing I can do is to keep shining the way I know how to shine. The only thing I really know, is that I don’t know anything. You know?