Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl
Everything in my head is telling me not to write this blog article. But here I am. If this blog as taught me anything, I need to confront my emotions rather than hide from them. Just incase you were wondering, no I am not about to write a love confession to my ex. I am not a masochist. If anything, it is the opposite. I don’t believe my ex is over me.
I know right, say what? Even my ex would proudly laugh and scoff. He will probably never even talk to me ever again if he ever saw this (not that our conversations are what you would exactly call frequent. Once in three years and the time before that was arguing over his inability to pay his portion of the debt he left both of us in. A real stimulating conversion this man can whip up… I know.) It’s completely egotistical, I am aware of this fact. But I plan on explaining in the following blog post why I believe my ex is still subconsciously still in love with me. And I would be lying if there wasn’t a small part of me that wasn’t a bit smug over this. Again tho, that is the egoism speaking.
All relationships are about dominance and control in some aspect. It doesn’t even have to be a bad thing. It doesn’t mean one person is tied to a leash and the other one has to follow. One person is not a master and the other the slave. But it is inevitable that at any given time one person is going to be more dominate and have more control than the other. Maybe one person likes to be in charge when it comes to sex but is completely passive when it comes to planing the dinner menu. I know I tend to be more passive when it comes to fixing things around the house and cooking but I do like to be completely in control of any cleaning or organizing. And basically I like to be in control about any final decision making. I like having final say.
But what happens to the control after you are out of a relationship? Despite what you think, it doesn’t go away. Instead, it shifts and morphs, into something else but, the dominance and control is there. There will always be that one person who loves you just a little bit more than they love you. And that right there, is the person who gives up the control.
“What?” you might say. But just think about it for a moment. It doesn’t matter if you were dumped or the dumpee. You could have loved that person to the moon and back more than they would ever love you, still have broken up with them and still forgone the control. In my case it was the opposite. During our relationship I never doubted that he loved me more.
So what does this have to do with him still being in love with me? I’m getting there. The point is, after you break up, the love just doesn’t stop, it doesn’t just pack up its bags and leave just because you say so. Love recycles itself with love. So when you turn off the faucet pouring in the new love and have it replaced with emotions like hurt, wounded, anger, confusion, etc, it taints the love you feel for someone. That love is still there, except toxins pour in and taint it. Because remember, the love doesn’t just go away. It doesn’t just dry up despite what you want to tell yourself. You may be able to redirect love into a new stream, or hundreds of new pools of love but, no matter what the one old one will always remain. Its like the scene in the Narnia series (the prequel), coming into a calm forest of little pools and lakes. That is what love is like.
Every type of love I’ve ever experienced for someone still remains in some form or other and will never complete be erased. The love I have for my partner, family, friends, pets, etc are all different pools of love, past and present. Each one will always leave an imprint despite if the thought of them leaves me with happy feelings or sad ones or even anger. Under all those feelings is always love. Love can be tainted tho, even leaving the love you once felt black, dark and full of hate. But. If you are to shift through all the darkness, if you were exponeg all the tainted residue, you would still find that underneath it all love would still remain. Think about it. Think about every type of relationship you have had, lover, friend, pet, etc. If you care about them at all, or have cared, there is going to be a little pool of love.
Good God I am my hippie grandmothers granddaughter saying this lol, but I don’t feel ashamed for it. I don’t want to be angry any more about how I feel towards anyone. That’s not to say in the future I won’t get mad or upset over people’s behavior but I don’t want it to control or define me.
So how does all of this attribute to my point? How can I make such a bold and egotistical claim that my ex is still in love with me? Well, for arguments sake, just pretend that I am right. That when you love someone, it doesn’t just leave or disappear. Lets even envision that this love from him has turned from bitter to almost down right hate towards a person over the years. How do you utilize it? Simple, by showing indifference.
Indifference is one of the most common ways of control. Indifference says, you are not worth validating my time over. Which does not translate to being “over” from someone. If you really are that is. But here’s the thing… I don’t think he is. The difference in acting indifferent to being indifferent tho, is subtle. When you really do feel indifferent about a situation, you act a lot like Dennis from the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia. You’re texting or just plain playing on your phone and going yeah yeah yeah I don’t care to the rest of the world. Because you don’t care. That’s real indifference. You might not immediately give a reply if someone texts you but, you don’t necessarily ignore it either. You don’t play the “how long can I make the other person wait” game.
Faking indifference is harder to prove but it is there and you can usually feel it instinctively. I use all this Facebook stuff as pure example (if anyone’s wondering) it doesn’t have to be online. Faking indifference could be a person you heard a little bit of gossip about and deep down you feel a little bit of glee (or anger). People who are indifferent are just like “huh, oh okay.” And move onto the next topic.
That is my first argument that my ex is not over me. Because it is my belief that he harbors resentments and chooses to pretend that it is indifference. He knows that I will always care about him emotionally and want that bond of friendship and I believe he tries to use it against me. If he didn’t we would have remained friends on Facebook (heaven knows I tried to send requests over the years). I say that because if he were truly “over” it then he wouldn’t care. Instead, the reason I got many years ago for the friend removal was “someone was using information against him and his girlfriend to break them up. And he just wanted to remove everyone who might have a motive against them.” And I remember feeling upset for them and offended at the same time, like really?! I wanted to be supportive like, who is doing that, that is messed up to who would ever do that to you! And on the other hand, I was hurt that he would think I would do something like that. But it was a reason I could wrap my mind around, why I don’t know because I don’t feel as if I ever gave him logical reasons to feel that way about me but I wanted to be understanding. Over the years I’ve come to find that reason is down right bullshit. My guess is that is girlfriend just didn’t, or doesn’t, want us to be friends. Probably because she knows that if I put the time and effort into it, and really wanted him back, I could. That’s a really cocky thing to say but it’s true. If I really wanted my ex back, at any given time I could get him back. I’m not saying it would be easy, but I could do it. The difference is, that I don’t and I don’t want him back… like at all… ever. But I think in the back of my ex’s mind that is there and he resents it and in the back of his partners mind it is there and she fears it. Therein lies my control if I were to ever utilize it. Because I was his first great love let alone his first love and consciously or not, most experiences will be compared to me. If she doesn’t believe that then she is nieave. That’s not to say you can’t have a normal healthy happy relationship with someone new but, there will always be comparisons between relationships.
All of this is just speculation of course. All of this is my theory, basically over analyzing human behavior. I’ve tried to talking to my ex but like in his usual fashion, he refuses to respond. I point blank asked him, “why have you never wanted to be friends, you know I have tried.” I mean, what gives? I want to tell myself that he is just being busy with life and his new baby (another point I plan on making) but my gut instinct tells me to stop being so stupid.
The other factor and quite frankly in my opinion the nail in the coffin as to why I think he isn’t over me is, he is naming a baby after my mother. Yup, that’s right, you read correctly. He swears his partner picked it out, which I don’t doubt, but we dated for eight years. My mom doesn’t have a common name, and my mother’s name predates over a hundred years of family history. And finally, it was a name we had decided on for our own child one day. Yep. See what I mean? Nobody I’ve ever talked to about this, including my mom, finds it anything but weird. So even if all my other ramblings sounded like they were from a mental person, this at least confirms everything I’ve been feeling. Did he tell her any of this? He might have but I doubt so. He might have down played it as just my mom having the same name but I doubt he ever told her we wanted to name our child that. Not that it will stop me to this day from naming a child after my mom but still. I am more happy for myself, because I never have to worry about living in a world where I will be forever wondering in the back of my head if my partner still holds feelings for their ex.
All of this may mean nothing, or everything. I can’t help but analyze all of this because my ex keeps playing games by trying to exert the faking indifference control by not talking. I am tired of asking myself, as well as him, why are we not friends? And why can’t we be friends? I am tired of asking what I did wrong when I haven’t done anything. And I couldn’t help but wonder… and the reason for this entry, is maybe we can’t be friends because he is still in love with me. There, I said it, the thing you’re not supposed to say. I know I’ve said that my ex is love with me a bunch of times already (hell it’s in the title!) But right there is the real reason, the real truth as to why we can’t be ever be friends. Because why else not? Even if everything else I said was just made up in my head and talking crazy then, why couldn’t one just say so? The thing is, he can’t. He never could. He could never stand up and be honest. Not about the lying, not about the cigarettes, not even about me to his family. So I really shouldn’t be surprised and yet some how, I always am. Does that make me nieave or just too trusting? Maybe both? The only clear thing I know is that there was never a clear cut and dry reasons we could not have stayed friends, even after all this time, if it were not for the fact that deep down, he isn’t over us.
But I am. And have been for many years, even for a bit while we had still officially been together. The more important fact is that I no longer wish to have that bond any more. As of now, he is blocked from contact. Because what right of that has he earned from me other than my good will? Nothing. My good will for him is gone. And when it comes down to it, I feel sorry for his partner who will always have to be his second choice, no matter how much he himself chooses to lie to her and be in denial. Of course he is in denial, he doesn’t want to be single and alone! And if you don’t believe me, just watch the video by Chris Crocker about if you are the main dish or the side piece.