Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl
I’ve always been one of those people who likes the idea of doing volunteer work, but never actually do it. I think about doling out soup at the kitchens, walking dogs at the shelter, hanging out with the elderly, picking up trash at the beach, etc. I also think about walking in 5k’s an the like for a good cause. (Maybe run but not very likely) You get the point. My point is I only ever think about doing any of these things. I also think about buying a stranger coffee because they are short. I think about randomly offering to pay someone’s bill at a restaurant but I don’t do either of those as well, except that I’m always broke.
The only good I do I feel like, is for myself. Maybe it’s because I always feel a little broken. I always feel like I’m coming up short. I don’t do enough, I don’t try hard enough, and quite frankly… am not good enough. I am not saying all of these things to throw myself a pity party because I know the first thing every one who does care about me would be saying I’m being too hard on myself and not looking at all the good positive things I do. Which yes, I know. Maybe it’s just because we are our own worst critic… that I know all too well.
Recently, over the past few months (March) I have been going around blogs looking for people talking about weight loss. Not to get diet tips but to relate and help others gain love for their bodies just the way they are. I myself have gone through a long journey where I battle between loving my body just the way it is, and wanting to lose between fifty to a hundred pounds. I don’t want to be skinny, just skinnier…. roughly around a size sixteen. I dream about being a positive fat advocate for not just women but men too. I dream about fat modeling, learning how to eat healthy and teach it to others. And I dream about teaching a fun fat work out exercise videos that go from cheesy Richard Simmons style videos to hot fat yoga. I want to teach the world and inspire all sorts of people. Of course, again this is all in my head.
Right now I am on day three of no limit about getting my life in order. I’ve set new rules, new boundaries and new ways to get my life in order so I feel less… broken… like someone else’s charity case. 2015 is going to be my year damn it even if I have to keep trying over and over again.
Thus far I am limiting Monkey and I to a new budget of fifty dollars each per week for food. I think we can do it, especially if we not only cut down our portion sizes but not going out to eat as well. Also of course, eat more produce. It will be hard but I think in just one month we can both drastically improve our lives. They won’t be perfect or even remotely complete but… better to where we need to be. I am also trying to take charge and reread what I wrote about committing to committing. Because it’s true. When you postpone things, you are only allowing yourself to be held back in the past and not moving on to the next thing. So here’s too sticking with the present!