Thoughts from a Weird, Strange, Funny Girl
Today I was sitting outside of the building of my former job with Monkey. And while over the course of about thirty minutes and making continual pleasantries with a rough estimate of just as many former co-workers, I kept hoping and praying that I would avoid seeing either one of my former roommates, both of whom still worked there. It wasn’t so much that I dislike or hate either one of them, deep down I know they are both good people, it’s just I didn’t want to have to put on the act of fake pleasantries. For which I always seem like I have to do. M, example, has always been about how much you can accomplish and how fast you can do it. For me, I have always felt like it wasn’t enough to have goals and dreams but, how much you can push yourself every day to achieve them. Which is great and all when you need a motivational push but bad for just making you feel lousy about yourself. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself.
I wanted to talk over the next several blog issues, about issues from my past I have just not been able to let go but only hide and bury. I feel like a boat full of holes and not enough fingers. By writing these thoughts and feelings down that I am promising myself to set them free. They are a handful of balloons that I am letting go one by one. I am no longer letting other people’s hate become my blame, my guilt, my shame. This isn’t just about others mistakes but forgiving my own as well.
This particular balloon appeared in my life roughly around Halloween of 2010. He was a nice new kid and I was a friendly, but still new girl. I was a cashier and he was a parcel. When I first met him, I hardly remembered anything about him or even who he was. It was only after one day on the way home, he stopped me on the bus, calling me the wrong name. I teased him about it, though I didn’t even remember his and it became the first time I remembered about him.
At work I sought him out. There was something I just liked about him without even knowing why. Maybe it was because he was new, maybe it was because he was a parcel and even early on I saw how unfair and mistreated they were and wanted to show a little kindness. Maybe it was because I didn’t realize he was gay at first and for a month puzzled if he was flirting with me. I remember hearing about him having a partner, and I remember sighing secretly to myself in relief. Other then stereotypes on tv and in movies I hadn’t encountered many gay people and had just been naively oblivious. I remember him announcing he was becoming a cashier and feeling happy for him. I remember having fun sharing bus rides home with him and the fun random conversations we would have. I remember him letting me cry outside of work on the very same bench I sat on today about an extremely embarrassing incident at work. I remember him asking if we would like to be roommates and I remember how not only happy but excited I was. I didn’t let myself have any real friends and here was an opportunity to create a deep one! I remember searching for apartments with him on a hot day in June the following year. I remember feeling so important because I knew all the right questions to ask when apartment searching. I remember him feeling impressed, that I was actually worthy of someone living with.
But of course, every thing is just all fine and dandy in the beginning. Its a little scary at first but that is part of the adventure. The first snag in the hose was the fact that I couldn’t get signed onto the lease. I had a former apartment with a former boyfriend (another blog issue to write) who had left me with a lot of debt. But because I had the deposit money, both roommates were willing to let me stay until it was sorted out. M had warned me then that he would only wait a year and if it wasn’t resolved then we couldn’t be roommates any longer. I didn’t put much thought into it at the time even though I knew I should have. I was a carefree 23 year old and excited to finally, yet again, be free from my parents. The next snag had been my current boyfriend, Monkey. We had unofficially been living together since the first couple of week’s we met. His former roommate had moved back in with his parents and with no job, no money and no where to go, he kind of followed me to my new place. It kind of put a cramp on a already new and tenuous relationship. It was only ever supposed to be for a couple of weeks but never ended up leaving. It also eventually, in my mind, divided a huge wedge between me and my new friends and I always felt like I was forced to choose. Maybe that isn’t a fair statement to make but never the less, one I feel like I was forced to make. Sometimes to this day I wonder how things would have worked out had I had my life together and had been single at the time.
As life progressed there were troubles of adjustments of course, especially with their being four of us. I remember being made to go out on a foursome date when I really didn’t want to and dragging my feet, even so much as to jumping in the shower and washing my hair ten minutes before we had to catch the bus. That was how bad I didn’t want to leave the apartment. Not because of them, just I can turn into a real agoraphobic some days. I remember being so angry at them for something I don’t even remember and hiding out in the apartments gym for about an hour until M came and found me. I had been working that day and gotten in a text fight with him over something I’m sure was stupid. He wanted to hold a family conference and I remember thinking how stupid that was, stormed into my room, changed out of my work clothes and stormed out of the apartment with them on the couch watching tv and Monkey cooking dinner on the stove. I remember the pranks we played and how mine always went a smidge too far. Not out of maliciousness but simply not knowing how to pull a prank and what bordered the line of appropriateness and what was crossing the line. I remember their patience with me, not just with this but little things like the weird obsessions I would get into like my magazine project and the piles of paper I would leave scattered all over the corner of one side of the living room. I remember getting angry for them always stealing my towels or never remembering to fully wash the food off the dishes (that had been mine) before putting them in the dishwasher. I remember lots of little annoying things like that like, putting all their action figures on my bookshelves without even asking. But I also remember a million happy memories about them as well. I remember tickling M until he fell over backwards on the couch. I remember making him laugh over and over again over stupid things like chunky dunking. I remember leaving random funny drawings on the dry board for him to find and getting even better answers. I remember complaining together about work, customers and coworkers until our lungs turned blue. I remember how I felt understood and like I had the best friend in the whole world. I remember how simply entering the room would be cause enough to bring the house alive with conversation. I remember the way we picked on our fifth roommate to death and how no one else found us as funny as us. I remember getting disappointed on red bull together and I remember his hilarious over heads after he drank mountain dew. I remember wanting to sneak him more even though his partner frowned upon it. I even remember when his partner drew pictures of all of us and their sheepishness over making me too fat and I remember thinking it was perfect… and beautiful.
Sometimes I believe that I myself am not destined to be loved by any one person other than probably my mother unconditionally. That I keep people away and distant because once they see the my ugly side, that they will leave anyway. I don’t just mean the parts that aren’t pretty. I mean the deep, dark, twisted ugly side of my heart. The side that can be mean, petty and yes, even jealous. That no one could ever love the villain in me and still believe I’m a princess. Maybe in the end that is why I always chose Monkey over any one else. He treats me like a diamond no matter how much like a piece of coal I am acting. He might be covered in black soot afterwards but he loves me just the same.
So what happened then? Well, for me it started when I had become fed up with a mutual friend S. S, is the kind of person who starts off with beginning by buying her way into any friendship. Here, let me buy that lunch for you, drink, hair cut, manicure, etc. You think she is just being a really nice person. Then, she adopts every interest you have. Books, clothes, video games, language, etc, instantly it has to become her favorite thing. She tries to cover it by casting off all her old has beens so you don’t notice but little by little, your life becomes hers. Your friends? Forget about it, they’re hers. Monkey even told me once in the beginning, she would not stop making googly eyes at him and he found it thoroughly disturbing. Even men are not off limits to this creature! I began noticing it when she would constantly invite me out to bars where their would be a lot of coworkers. She would either cancel and change our plans for something she felt was better or, completely ditch and leave me entirely. Once, I had to be driven home by another co-worker entirely! It was embarrassing. So I began to distance myself from her. And the more I did so, the more and more clearer all of this became. I wanted to give myself some more time, and more room to develop what kinds of relationship I wanted to have with this woman. Instead, the more she pushed and the more I pulled away. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops screaming what kind of person this girl really was but you know how that would make me look? Crazy, that’s what. Even to this day I feel uncomfortable confessing these feelings, feeling like all people are going to do is point and whisper what a loony I am and to just get over myself. But that is how I felt at the time and how I still feel like to this day. I feel as if she was envious of every single thing I had in my life and tried to mimic it. Boyfriend? When flirting with mine didn’t work, she took a guy I once had a thing for. My friends had to become hers. She had to not only be our friends but his best friend. When getting her own roommate failed so miserably, she eventually made it her mission to have mine. It was like she was a hound with a one track mind. She found my life so fabulous, when in reality I was just learning who I was.
So how does this play into the fall of my relationship with my roommates? Well… for several reasons I guess. It was my fault for inviting her into the family to begin with. It started with S promising us a cat she no longer wanted and,getting impatient, confessed to me much later that she dumped it on the side of the road somewhere in the middle of no where. I was appalled but, tried to be forgiving. It wasn’t a guarantee death sentence to the cat anyway and we all make terrible mistakes so I kept her secret… sort of. She told people the cat ran away but I couldn’t help but confess one night to M what really happened. He was appalled and downright hated S. I remember many nights letting herself invite herself over to our apartmant and finding ways to mend the relationship. I don’t think (or know) if he ever told her why he gave her that sudden cold freeze but I had liked her at the time and wanted us all to be friends…. what a fool I was! It was after all of this, with wanting the distance that I began to see her for how evil she truly was. But how could I tell my friend this? How could I tell M what I was going through? I simply didn’t know how and the more I pulled away, the more S sunk her claws into him. I blame a lot of the end of our friendship on her but, I also know it was more. I hadn’t solved my past apartment problem, much to my roommates persistence. Honestly, I was scared and didn’t know how to deal with it. I wanted to fix the problem but didn’t know how. I felt like a five year old who just wanted her mommy and for the problem to just disappear. I did the best with what I could as I knew by May my time was ticking up. I made myself go out there and find a fulltime job to support Monkey and I again while he was yet again between jobs. I divided my life again. I felt absolutely alone and isolated except for Monkey. Maybe things would have been different if I had just sat down with S and told her everything I was feeling. And I mean everything. But then again maybe not. I didn’t want to feel as if I was crazy and all I knew is that is exactly how every one in that apartment would have made me feel except for Monkey. Except I had driven myself there all on my own.
The nail in the coffin was when M and I both knew he had caught me in a lie. That was the end of our friendship. I don’t know why I did it, maybe because I did drive myself slightly insane there but also because I felt jealous and like my life was spinning out of control. I felt like she had stolen every thing from me and now I was her on the outside looking into the window of the family I had made except… outcasted. Yes, that was the strongest emotion I had… out casted… so I made up the lie. And I knew I had broken his trust from it. But also, when I look back on that time, I see how it changed him. He enjoyed what he must have thought what was going on of two women fighting over him for his attention. And of course its easy to be bought with smooth lies and free promises, etc. Playing the innocent and turning me into the spurned villain. “I just don’t know what her problem is with me, I don’t understand. I’ve never done anything to her!” And then S batting big pathetic doe eyes any anyone who would listen… I am of course imagining that part, I have no idea but I doubt it was far off from the truth. Any thing to get sympathy from people and turn attention to her so be it. If it meant casting me into a Disney villain then so be it! But… I will never know officially what happened from outside perspective then.
So I walked away from all of it. For a couple of years I did try to gain some of that friendship back with M that we did have but in the end, all I feel towards him is bitterness and resentfulness. What kind of person makes you win back their friendship? Trust I can understand but kindness to my face and meanness behind it? That I never could. So I gave up roughly almost a year ago after yet another sequences of attempts. It just wasn’t worth my dignity any more, nor did he deserve my good nature. I just don’t see the boy I cared about, and yes loved, for such a long time, and only see a bitter man. I see someone who has learned to be fake when his personality was his whole charm. I see someone who only cares about what you can give him, particularly information about other people. I see someone spoiled, bitter and although he would never confess it aloud and laugh at me for saying it, lonely. Yes… I do believe most of all that he is lonely. Sure you can surround yourself with as many people as you like and call yourself happy but I personally, don’t believe it. I don’t know why and maybe I’m wrong but… just call it my intuition.
And for that reason is probably why we will never again be friends. I mean who knows, maybe I’m wrong but I doubt it. Maybe we are just two people who were never meant to be friends other than the brief period which we were. Other than our jobs at the time, we had nothing in common other than the desire to want to be friends. I know it’s not the most mature route but… I just don’t wish to make the first move anymore in any endeavor of being friends again. I have to let go of what probably never will be.
As of this moment I am going to simply happy for who I am and who I will just never be. I will always be that girl who dreams big but has her own weird path of getting to it even if it takes a million years. I am going to finally let myself love and be loved by anyone. I am not going to be ashamed of giving my whole heart to anyone I feel is worthy of having it. I am not going to let others make me feel less of a person for their expectations of who I should be. I am me. Like Taylor Swift says the haters are gonna hate hate and I’m just gonna shake it off, shake it off! So hate me if you will, for what ever reason you might have. I am a good person and worthy of good things happening to. I am a hard worker and good at anything I put my mind to. I am silly, weird and talk to much most of the time. But I can listen, and be kind and as stubborn as I may be… I always try to be forgiving. I always try to see the best in people and let those qualities flourish to the best potential I can give. That is me and I am not ashamed of who I am.
Through out all of this extremely long entry I am learning to forgive. I am learning to let go and not just hide my emotions. I keep names changed to not hurt anyone professionally. Like Anna Nalick says, these are just diaries screaming out loud and I know you will use them however you want to. But for me, I hope for it to make me that much less of a bitter person. It seems ridiculous holding onto so much hurt, so much anger and resentment for so many years but… I’ve finally found a reason for me to make peace with it and be happy. I hope to be able to one day bump into one of these people, say hello, move along and just look happy instead of just pretending to feel it. Maybe that can happen… I like to think so!